A Scotsman was heading out to the pub and turned to his wee wife before leaving...
 "Jackie - put your hat and coat on lassie".
 "Awe John that's nice - are you taking me to the pub with you?".
 "No just switching the central heating off while I'm oot"

 The first people in the UK to have double glazing were the Scots. .. so their kids couldn't hear the ice cream vans.

 How many Scotsmen does it take to change a light bulb?
 Och! it's no that dark!

 Have you heard about the lecherous Scotsman who lured a girl up to his  attic to see his etchings?
 He sold her four of them....

 An Scotsman took a girl for a romantic ride in his taxi. She was so beautiful he could hardly keep his eye on the meter...

 A suicidal Scotsman went next door to his neighbour's house to gas  himself....

 A very popular man dies in Aberdeen and his old widow wishes to tell all  his friends at once, so she goes to the Aberdeen Evening Express and says  "I'd like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband"
 The man at the desk says "OK, how much money dae ye have?"
 The old woman replies "£5" to which the man says  "You wont get many words for that but write something and we'll see if it's ok"
 So the old woman writes something and hands it over the counter   
The man reads "Peter Reid, fae Kincorth, deid"
 He feels guilty at the abruptness of the statement and encourages the old woman to write a few more things.
 The old woman ponders and then adds a few more words and hand the paper over the counter again.
 The man then reads "Peter Reid, fae Kincorth, deid. Ford Escort for sale" .